Scars of a Masochist
by Kelsey Pearl
Summary: Casey wants to hate it, but somehow she craves the pain, because happiness accompanies it.


You hope she doesn't notice.

You stare at her too long, you're eyes roaming over her fit form, tan skin, smiling face. She doesn't pay attention to you often, only coming to you for warrants and chats about a case. It's not nearly as much as you want, but you take what you get. You were never the type to be picky.

You can remember the first time she came into your office. She looked hurt and confused, because you were sitting at the desk. You just smiled, and asked what sh needed. If you wanted to be honest with yourself, you'd give her anything she asked for.

But you fancy yourself a cowardly bitch, unable to admit your feelings. Instead you blow up at her, screaming. Sometimes, in the middle of a fight, you don't know whether you want to tear her clothes or face off.

However, she does take moments off to come and sip coffee with you, making sure you're okay. You can still hear her voice the first time she spoke to you like this. She looked so nervous, so ashamed.

_"Sorry if I seemed rude, Case. It's juts hard to see you sitting at Alex's old desk, you know? It's not your fault or anything, but I couldn't help but get a little hurt. Really, I'm sorry."_

You wanted to cry then, but put on a brave face. You're a lawyer, and lawyers put on strong acts and cover their asses. You perfected this art around her. You can make it seem like you feeling nothing when you stand near her.

You finally hear her voice. "Alex should be here in a few minutes." You can hear the happiness in her tone. You just nod.

When she walks in, you want to scream. Alexandra Cabot is perfection. Blonde hair, baby blue eyes, sharp features and smooth curves. You know why she fell for her. You can see how beautiful she is. It only makes you more jealous.

Then she looks at her, and you want to cry. "Alex." She says her name like a prayer, something sacred that she cherishes. You feel your heart clench.

"I guess it was tome to come back and save your sorry asses again. It feels great to be back." Everyone smiles at her, and you watch as she turns to your love, your life, your everything. "Liv, who's prosecuting me?"

You know she ignored you as a chance to talk with her. She points, and Alex turns towards you. You can see the challenging fire in her eyes. You hold out your hand, taking hers tightly. You are surprised that her grip is so tight. When she drops her hand, your fingers are sore.

"Casey Novak. It's a pleasure to finally meet you. You left me big shoes to fill." Your comment is snide. It is a cheap way to get back at her. You smile when pain flashes over her eyes for mere seconds. But then she is back, grinning like a fool.

"Funny, considering me feet are quite small." You feel yourself burn as the squad laughs. "You seem to be competent, a good ADA. It's nice to know that my replacement is doing well." You want to feel her blood on your hands, but refrain from even commenting.

She had turned back to her. And you know nothing you do is ever going to be good enough. She watches her, adores her, loves her. And you feel the same for her, but when did that ever matter?

"Hey, I got to head out." You watch as she leaves the room. But Alex is watching her, a sad smile on her face.

"Be careful, Liv. Don't get hurt." And you know, in that moment, that all this is just a big mess. She's guilty, you're jealous, and the love of you're life is suffering. You wish you could have a happy ending, but you won't get one.

"I'll try."

You let her slip through your fingers, cutting them open in the process. She's shattered glass that you want, desperately want to piece back together. The cuts on your hands may heal, but you'll always see them, be reminded.

You feel that icy gaze on you, and turn away. She's rubbing it in. She can see right through you. Maybe you should thank her, for freezing you over for a time. But Olivia will melt you again.

You want to hate it.

But somehow, you're twisted heart is just craving the pain even more.


End file.
